The Brightest Red
by 89Bear98
Summary: Sometimes we have to let go in the most painful way. A/N: Oneshot. Written in the midst of the night while trying to deal with all kinds of emotions.


**The Brightest Red**

 _-Inhale_

I'm doing everything I can.

Every fight and tear, the banter and the worry, doing it all to fill that one void.

Cause every time I stand up, start wandering down the halls I rewind the clock. Another week. It's always bittersweet to see her again not being able to touch her and knowing that every time she leaves there's a slight possibility that she'll never return.

She knows that she keeps me breathing. She's handing me the bandages to stop the bleeding, a tissue to dry my tears, a hand to keep me company. With her the sun comes through, shining on my pale skin to revive me. To see the twinkle in my eyes returning. Keeping me alive.

You're keeping me alive.

When I take my last breath all I'll see is your face expressing that adorable laugh. That gorgeous smile that wakes me.

I know I'm not supposed to do this. I know this isn't right. Too early, you'll think.

I know it will take everything you have to move on, to forget the touch of my lips on your forehead, my fingers running up and down your arms, to start living again. But I'll be there, every damn step of the way. I will be there to hold you, to share the pain, hell, I will breathe for you.

I will.

I know I should be scared. Terrified. Trying everything in my power to keep myself alive. To hold back that last inhale followed by a heavy flow of air leaving my mouth, the last twitches of my muscles, the last flash of your figure right in front of me.

What worries me is that you'll feel me leaving, that shiver running through your body. You being oblivious to what it really means. You'll be blaming it on the cold so you'll turn up the heat. You'll blame it on your lack of eating so you'll prepare something to quiet your stomach. You'll run ten miles, open the window, scrub your skin, wash your clothes, stand hours under the never ending stream of water flowing from the ceiling to erase the wave of my scent that accompanied you when you walked through the front door.

But ultimately, the time comes and you have to face the happening. You have to stop delaying. You have to pick up the phone to see your worst nightmare come to life. To stop wondering, to stop thinking, to act. The right time will never come.

You'll be thinking back to the different hotel rooms, the clear blue ocean, the travels, the flights… the kisses, the hugs, the feeling, the touching, the slow and fast, the harsh and soft, the speeding up and slowing down…the existing alongside each other.

The brightest red, the darkest black, the sharpest green…the woman, the rose, the tribal and the love is pain…all rising. All standing in line to comfort you. You'll never be able to touch them again but they'll find you in your sleep. Loving me will never be as painful.

I want you to try and understand. To know that it wasn't my decision, that I fought endlessly to be with you.

Sometimes life takes you somewhere, drops you off and you find yourself walking down endless roads. Turning left, then right. Going back, trying to start over finding yourself trapped between three walls, a dead end. And when you look back a fourth wall is closing in on you and there is nothing you can do. It will swallow you whole, crushing you, it will make you disappear and for that, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I took the wrong turn, that my left should have been right, that me backing away was a terrible choice. A choice that ended a chapter where one was supposed to begin.

Four years it should have been. Four years of us living next to each other, distant, separated by a thick wall.

There should have been way more visits, more goodbyes, a whole lot of smiles and goofy jokes. I would have made fun of you and you would have felt embarrassed. I would have told you that I was fine and you would call bullshit. You would cry, and I…I would cry with you.

This is me saying goodbye to our chapter. Goodbye to our shared life. Goodbye to our drunk and sober dances, to our touching lips and to our shared bed. Goodbye to my gorgeous blond lady, my own personal Laura Ingalls Wilder. Goodbye to the woman that still makes me whole, who will hold me and make me feel as if I belong. Because I do, I do belong. With you. And so I will be the one to kiss you goodbye. Just know that when I think of love you will always be the first to come to mind and so I will share that love.

"Pipes, will you let me?"

 _Exhale-_


End file.
